#A House Filled with Pretty Things
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Arya and Sansa’s relationship is only normal if your older sister’s boyfriend tried to murder you and got your friend killed and she decided it was all your fault because she thinks you exist to ruin her life lmao
Like it’s so dumb that the Stark girls’ tense relationship is reduced to Sansa calling Arya ugly and not a single mention of the Trident incident and all the moments afterwards. That’s where the actual complication comes in! And it’s in Sansa’s very first chapter no less!
Sansa disregarding Joffrey’s violence towards Arya because she’s predisposed to think of her little sister as a lesser person who deserved his wrath is an important part of the plot, babes. Her being able to ignore Arya’s pain is quite literally why she still thinks of Joffrey as her sweet prince right up until her dad’s head got chopped
Why are we asked to not comprehend both girls’ chapters just because it makes your fave look bad 😭
#arya stark#sansa stark#house stark#like if the only thing there was to their relationship was Sansa calling her names then sure!#you could say they have a pretty normal bad sibling relationship! many people have those!#but George also decided to give them a plot filled with drama and tension because they’re fictional characters#and not a stand in for insecure tumblr stans who are desperate to let everyone know that their siblings still talk to them at Christmas lol
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I imagine you have a great sense of style, that you have interesting collections of things found in nature, and really neat things on your walls.
I- 🥺😭 well yeah,,, my house is basically a big curiosity cabinet (with a huge collection of plants too,, autism special interest and collection obsession,,,) and my office is covered in nature art, pictures, and prints from cute artists,,, And for style huuuu I like how I dress but older adults usually hate it (though a random grandom harassed me to tell me I was dressing woke so I guess I'm doing something right) I really wanna show you guys pics of my hoard but,,, there's just too many things,,, maybe one day
#all this apart I'm a big depressed loser#filling my house with pretty things and putting fun things on my body so I don't /competely/ lose my mind#also going fo 2-3 hours walk in the woods/marsh multiple times a week works great too lol
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#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying#shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl#in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated#bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not#her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet#so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive#personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd#compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from#happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is#like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil#not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am#barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me#and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them#but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and#thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard#to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds#nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of#brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but#that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer#defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it#i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else#excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things#unrelated#ed mention#i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama#bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]
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i still don’t get how on earth i’m supposed to know what to put on my walls
or like really anything related to interior design
i feel like the only answer is to hire an interior designer to figure it out for me
but like that’s never happening
#🤷♀️#it all just seems so fake#i need someone to just make it look good and then i can be like yeah i guess that looks like a normal house interior#and less like an extremely pathetic art gallery#but like i could never have someone professional think deeply about the layout of things in my house#especially when like i need to make a lot of sacrifices to design prettiness for accessibility#i guess now that i think about it it is the same feeling as like filling out a form#so i guess this is an autism thing#autism#audhd#neurodivergent#and since one of the tags mentioned the sacrifices for it#adhd#ok now i’m done
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Art i got admitted into a district art show for waooww
#Yes thats samatoki#LMAOAOAOA i had to sneak him in#LAST POST I SWEAR BTW wow 3 posts already#I feel bad for like#Not posting at all lately so we got this#I found this while cleaning#Theres another one somewhere in my house but its in a frame and on display so i dont wanna take it for pictures thats annoying#I hope you guys know that when i take blurry pictures i either#1 leave it bc i feel like it enhanced the vibe of the drawing#Or 2 leave it bc i dont care and we live on a rock#This one is a no.1 case#These are like a year old btw LMAOAOAOAO#prince was my wow piece which understandable#But everyone literally hated the sama piece and it only got in bc it was a good piece and we needed spots filled#Upsetting really was#Hope you guys enjoy it though#Despite me thinking things need to be fixed on it i still think it was a good piece#Yes those are real newspapers i ripped up to make a graphic#Its pretty cool irl it looks like its lifting up from a newspaper#Ok thats all bc these tags are getting crazy#hypmic#hypnosis mic#hypnosis microphone#samatoki aohitsugi#music#pop culture#realism#Idk how to tag for prince LMAOAOAO#Noctiart#Noctifan
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wait wait wait. wait. what if zofeia was never allowed to leave the manor, like a rapunzel-adjacent situation. what if, after her father made her kill lillina, he locked her away unless it was convenient for him to let her out. confining her to her chambers, shutting her away in her own little wing of the house and allowing her to see none but him regularly so he could turn her into his perfect little heiress. his pretty little bargaining chip, the key to further social mobility — because which lesser noble is content to remain lesser?
#ophelia.txt#ocs tag#oc: zofeia#isolated and wasting away like the rusting clockwork automaton in the invention of hugo cabret#something something a puppetmaster making his peculiar marionette dance to whichever tune his peers found most fascinating#perhaps he even found a way to work with her little rebellions - such as her necromancy and other dabbling with forbidden magic#like a pretty collector's doll you keep shut in a display cabinet & still boxed until someone explicitly wants to see it. and then you#gawk and marvel over it until you've had your fill or until they try to buy it from you. but no one ever wanted to buy this doll from him#that was the one thing she'd succeeded in. her necromancy and the spirits that shadowed her scared them all away. perhaps she was baiting#him into killing her. perhaps she was trying to make him less and less determined to visit and 'work on her' so she could plan how to#be free of him. of that ghastly house. of that wretched city and its thrice-damned nobles. perhaps she'd mounted and managed her escape#when she got snatched
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Might be a hot take but a major character’s death is really only as good as the weight and the treatment that the narrative gives it. Sure, any author has the ability to write death as they see fit. But whether the consumer (of any given form of media) is actually able to emotionally connect and resonate with the departure of someone who has occupied a good chunk of narrative space very heavily depends on how it’s treated within the story. If it’s a major character, the narrative needs enough built-in breathing space. As in, the consumer doesn’t have to fill in the blanks as to how the death impacted the plot or the remaining characters. Let the narrative do that for them, and that would actually allow the consumer to better react and relate to that major death (sadness, anger, joy, etc). Allow the rest of the characters (who were impacted by the deceased) to react to their parting. Let them engage with the death in a manner that helps justify the character’s inclusion in the narrative to begin with. Make it clear how the character’s life and (especially) their death relate to the larger themes of the story. Because most consumers aren’t stupid. We don’t want our hands held at every waking moment, but we also don’t want our investment in a story to be insulted just for the sake of a cheap shock. Give us time to breathe and grieve. And respect that we have put in a lot of emotional investment in a story and its characters, and we deserve to have that acknowledged.
#recent developments in a very popular ip have forced me to think about how creators treat the deaths of major or main characters#and the discourse of ~ohh we don’t need to see every single thing~ has got me thinking#like sure we don’t need to be spoon fed everything but consumers have varying emotional investments depending on the characters#a side character it’s passable if we don’t get any fanfare but a MAIN???#we’ve invested so much into their journey and the themes in their arcs and how they affect the world around them#is it too bad to want that to be actually acknowledged by & within the narrative?#so that whole thing got me to think about main characters whose deaths were well done in fiction#ned stark imo is a really good one because the immediate payoff of his death is the start of the wot5k and long term effect was#that the stark kids now had to fill in their father’s shoes and rise and become leaders in their own right and while we still have twow an#ados we can also tell as shown in adwd that the long term effect of Ned’s legacy is that house stark will be preserved even when it’s on th#brink of extinction#so that’s a well done imo because we also see throughout 4 books just how much his death meant to the kids#his death hurts because we see how his kids are hurting - jon arya sansa bran are GOING THROUGH IT AND IT HURTS!#I’d argue MCU did a pretty good job of showing tony’s everlasting legacy after his death and they did that through Peter who was the proteg#we can love and grieve for tony though peter whom we love and have come to relate to so Tony’s death has a lot of narrative weight#and how it’s handled is satisfying even though we’re hurt that he’s gone#same with sirius and dumbledore in HP - sirius’ especially hits sooo hard because Harry goes absolutely apeshit in ootp and then has to#pick up the pieces in hbp + dumbledore’s life and death is given quite a good amount of narrative space for both harry and the reader#the recent developments in jjk have me worried that a certain someone’s departure won’t be given the narrative weight it deserves#and part of that is gege’s pacing being wonky because oops it’s another big fight that will take god knows how many chapters idk#I’ll wait and see but as of right now….i feel like fan complaints about it shouldn’t be brushed aside because they’re super valid 😕#asoiaf#harry potter#jujutsu kaisen#mcu#marvel#comics#manga
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i realized how much it scares me that my mind will convince itself of even the ugliest things if i start thinking them often enough and it's... yeah. like i had a good session with my psychiatric rehabilitation therapist i think it was very useful but then at the end i got hit by this feeling of fear... like i'm so scared of myself and how low i can get
#like i convinced myself the only way to deal with my pain and my problems was to attempt suicide so people would know i was suffering#bc i wasn't able to tell them#and i really really for real believed it and i did exactly that and it's very scary to think my mind can get so twisted and believe these#distorted versions of reality or twisted ways to get what i need or all the negative things i think of myself#and like i guess this is just part of working on getting rid of these beliefs. that i'm realising just how deep in them i am and that it#scares me#but it's not a nice feeling. i'm really trying not to judge myself for it that's not useful. i'm still learning how to not judge myself#for every little thing but god it's hard i'm so used to thinking i'm too much or not enough or too emotional or too stupid or inadequate et#just every bad thing under the sun#but even trying my hardest to mantain like a non judgmental view of this issue... the fear is the hardest part rn#it's just... i don't even know who i am? and that's also something we're gonna work on and started to a little#but i don't know who i am and so i just believe abt myself whatever the situation leads me to believe. whatever my bpd leads me to believe#whatever others lead me to believe#and the last one especially is perhaps my biggest issue. i don't know myself and i don't like what “myself” currently is and i live for#other people i live to please others i do things so others will like me or at least not dislike me so i can hate myself less#and really that's no way to live. and this is something this therapist is making me realize and understand#but it's just seriously so.... scary all of this all of this realizing i'm just an empty vessel that i fill up depending on the person i'm#interacting with and that i am.. nothing. like not nothing but like nico is not a formed person. i have molded myself to other ppl's tastes#and needs and if i try to look beyond that there's just this void or at least this question mark#i don't think i have like no personality? but well i do have a personality disorder so that's fucked me up! and it's! aaaa!!#if i think about the things i have convinced myself of by sheer repeating thek to myself all the time in my dark moments...idk#and like it was manageable when the dark moments had reduced and i was relatively okay. but as soon as i got bad again... oh#it started being a constant bombardment of negative talk to myself abt myself and a constant telling myself#well pretty much that there is no worth to be found inside myself. so unless this pain somehow goes away by itself i'll kill myself#that was basically my train of thought every day multiple times a day for months and months#that is scary!!!!!!!! that is so!!!! i'm so#sorry this is a mess. i'm trying not to cry bc i'm at my parents' house and my father's around but. yeah. just lots of feelings#and again it's probably normal i mean talking about these things is good! but feelings are bound to arise and some are hard to deal with#suicide tw#sorry i forgot the tw in my being upset in the moment
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so I was looking up the tenets for lolth’s paladins and I found this little list. not sure how canon exactly this is but I thought it was interesting -
kind of laughing that shri’iia does the exact opposite in act 1 which leads to her oath breaking. she girlflopped so badly lolth decides to drop her ass then prob hunt her ass down for being an embarrassment and a failure. like girly was not exerting her power at all - it’s her first time in the surface ever and she’s surrounded by people who could literally kill her any given moment (considering all the stories she heard abt how surface dwellers hates drow) not to mention that the tieflings you encounter when you see lae’zel were ready to attack you that just fueled her paranoia. > she was not sowing discord at all she was laying low and keeping her mouth shut …!! she has no allies here! and she doesn’t know where she is! and there’s an illithid tadpole in her head! it would be foolish of her to paint herself as an enemy when she’s already so out of her environment so she keeps her mouth shut … thoughts to herself … bides her time and sees who’s useful to her and who’s not … she can always get rid of the ones that she doesn’t need later but for now she’s seeing what she can work with first …… > have a plan… shri’iia had no plans…. at all. she was following lae’zel around because the crèche was her only lead … but then they mentioned a druid named halsin who’s a very good healer so she turned her objective to that … then a goblin mentions their priestess is a healer too so guess she’s looking for her as well… honestly who thought making the drow who’s never been to the surface and literally does not know where she is or what she's doing the leader of the group a good idea….. in my hc the leader is gale
#but I’m like 🤭🤭🤭 at the idea of shri’iia being considered an embarrassment by Lolth just bc apparently lolth paladins are pretty rare#like she doesn’t give her blessings easily and they mostly go to her clerics but to a paladin … and for someone who’s not noble birth too….#like she had potential ..!! she was mentored by a matriarch of a noble house ..!! but then she flopped soo badly 😭😭#and I hc mid/the end of act 1 she still hasn’t accepted that she’s an oathbreaker and she’s still delusional thinking that she can get#lolth’s favour again it’s like no 💗 girly. she hates your ass 💓 if you ever return to menzoberranzan she’ll turn you into a drider probably#and it’s only in act 2 where she accepts that she is an Oathbreaker. and she does Not need Lolth. and Lolth doesn’t deserve her (delusion)#but I love that idea for her bc she was So proud of herself … and she devoted herself to her goddess to the point that her sense of self is#essentially Gone.. but then she gets rejected. so now the thing she’s most proud of is taken away from her#by HER own actions no less .. like she can’t blame anyone bc it’s her own fault ..!! and that’s what stings more ..!!!!! she’s the one who#fumbled the bag … so it’s like where do u go when the very thing you dedicated your whole life to rejected you#and you’re so far away from home. and you CAN’T even go back home.. where do you go. no choice but to keep going….#then she eventually accepts the role as an oath breaker bc it's the only thing she has left. her oath no longer binds her ; every choice#she makes is hers and hers alone.. which is so ..!! girls when you're faced to reclaim your own agency or else you'll fall into the void#you're left with ...!!!!!!! also it is so perfect bc the oathbreaker dialogues are all abt freedom and agency of self.#being free from dogma and making your own decisions! and you also want others to be free too …#and the fact that the oath breaker knight helps you make that decision I hc she becomes similar to him as well#where if someone chooses they want to be free she will help them … but it has to be their own choice …#which ties in perfectly with the act 2 and 3 quests esp for the companions .. all abt making ur own decisions …#so the leadership role goes from gale then to her …#should be heading to bed bc I have an early start tomorrow but hrk head filled w thoughts of my oc...#but act 1 shri'iia is essentially her getting such a bad grade at being Lolth-Sworn Drow that lolth disowns her 😭#im so ill at the thought of her not being able to return to menzo tho ... i dont think the underdark is safe for her either like she should#b getting hunted like sport .... maybe thats why she released the vampire spawns down there lol#like <3 revenge. everyone loves revenge especially an ex oath of vengeance girly <3
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in hindsight i realize i may not have been clear about minecraft last night. let me be clear (<- obama voice): I Have It
#mine#everything people said online is true. the deck runs modded minecraft and does it well#i capped the fps at 70 just cause but when i wasnt busy having fun and managed to look at the corner to check it#it was pretty consistently in 50s and 60s and the game never really felt bumpy or laggy or unpleasant#one thing i don't understand...i downloaded maybe 60 mods but ingame on the start screen it says 143?!?!?!?#anyway im having so much fun there are so many biomes and funny colored animals its so exciting#and everything looks so PRETTYYYYYY !!!!!#i love you steam deck thank you for bringing video games back into my life...#i hope one of these days i can join a server or something too it would be nice to do multiplayer as well#but my singleplayer world was really fun so far too :3 i spawned into an area with exclusively warm biomes which is kind of annoying#because ive always liked temperate and cold biomes more but its ok there was like an oasis biome or sometrhing??!!!#im making a cute little adobe house next to this big mountain :3 theres a savanna and jungle nearby#the mountains go SO HIGH!!!!!! and i found this creepy water tunnel inside another mountain that had magma in the walls it was awesome#i havent played in so long i cant always tell what came from a mod and what came from vanilla#but i dont care cause im having so much fun yipppeeeeee :3#theres horses near my house too so im going to wrangle them as soon as i can...i have a very exploratory playstyle in mc#im basically a cartographer cause the only thing i ever want to do is run around with a map in my hand until the map is filled out#then i go home and slap it on the wall with 7 million other maps and make a ginormous picture of the world#it makes me happy :) so that is my plan
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Tsitp s2 is just really throwing punches at me
#raineyrambles#walking into an empty house that used to be filled with so many memorable things is such a horrible experience#speaking from the fact that I had to experience this roughly two years ago#the memory of that day will forever haunt me#thank god this show didn’t come out around that time or this episode ending would have killed me lol#but also like I’ve said before I’m also happy to see this particular experience show up in any sort of media#tsitp#the summer i turned pretty#tsitp spoilers
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For the mermaid AU:
After the capture situation Kro is angrily searching for Thena. Gil is taking care of Thena and one day Kro arrives at Gil’s doorstep.
Let’s do a little more angst and sweet moments :D
"Gil."
Oh fuck.
Gil nodded to the fellow fisherman. They were never exactly on super friendly terms anyway, so it wasn't exactly as if he would have been expecting them to start chatting lightly. "Kro--what are you doing here?"
"Well," the taller man began, stepping into Gil's home without so much as an invitation. He pulled his hands out of his rain coat pockets. "I was in the area."
Bullshit. It took a solid twenty minutes by motorboat - or ten minutes by ship - to get to the port from Gil's little island.
"I'm sure you heard that I had a..." Kro paused, looking around the kitchen, "rather large catch get away from me."
"Yeah, I heard," Gil managed to sound casual as he said it, closing the door behind Kro, resisting every urge of his to throw him out. "What was it, a swordfish?--shark?"
"Hm," Kro scoffed quietly, finally turning to Gil. "Bigger, actually--something quite...unique. It was a real treasure."
Gil nodded, as if to offer his sympathies to the monster in front of him. "Well, it happens to the best of us, y'know? Don't let it get to you."
"Well, the thing is, Gil," Kro walked back over to him with a menacing look on his face. "It didn't just get away. Someone snuck onboard and cut my net."
"Really?" Gil asked immediately, refusing to give Kro even a hint that he knew what he was talking about. "That doesn't sound like any of the guys here."
"No, I didn't think so either," Kro faked a sigh. The guy had a sense of drama, huh? "But then someone told me that your little dinghy was missing after my catch was taken."
Gil shrugged, putting his hands on his hips. "I had some dinner at the pub and headed home, man. I don't know what to tell you."
Kro looked out Gil's kitchen window to the end of his dock. "What's the box for?"
Gil held his breath. He had built it there so Thena could come and go as she pleased. It had clothes, and food, little trinkets he found that he thought she would like. Granted, he had built it for her long ebfore all this had happened. "Well, I'm always forgetting something before I head out, y'know? So I built that for some spare tarps and extra socks and shit."
"Smart," Kro outright laughed. He looked at Gil again. "I know she's here, Gil. Or if not here, then you have her close by."
"Who?" Gil scowled.
"Don't pull that shit with me, Gilgamesh," Kro snarled, happy to storm over to him. Gil was a mountain of a man but Kro had a freakishly tall frame and he wasn't exactly lacking strength himself either. "You stole that little nymph from me."
"You caught a nymph?" Gil continued to rile up the increasingly dangerous visitor. He managed to feign his disbelief only because Thena was upstairs having a refreshing little nap in the bathtub. "You feeling okay?"
"I will find her, mark my words," Kro growled right in Gil's face. "I will find my fortune and when I do, I will have you arrested for theft. Maybe I'll even rip out one of those little fangs of hers and send one to you on a necklace."
"Get out."
Kro leaned back, satisfied to have gotten any reaction out of Gil at all.
Gil was shocked he had held himself back from snapping the guy's neck. Kro would be deserving of it, just for making him imagine Thena getting her teeth pulled.
"I'll be back, Gilgamesh," Kro promised ominously, pulling the front door behind him on his way out.
Gil waited until Kro was all the way back to his main dock and heard the motor start up. He sat himself down - collapsed - into the seat at the table. He had known this would happen--had been expecting it since the night Kro caught Thena. And still he was shaken.
"Gil?"
He scrubbed his hands over his face before looking up. Thena leaned her head against the doorway, her hair completely dry despite her aquatic lounging. She was wearing a soft, pale blue denim shirt of his, the sleeves rolled up messily and unevenly to her elbows.
Thena came over to him, resting a hand on his knee and looking to him carefully. "You look frightened."
He nodded. He felt frightened. He took her hand in his, holding it to him. "He doesn't know you're here, but he knows it was me. And he's not going to rest until he finds you."
"So he won't find me."
"Thena-"
"Gil," she soothed, her voice as smooth and iridescent as a seashell. She knelt down next to him, letting him keep her hand in his for comfort. "The safest I can be is with you. Even if he combed the ocean for me...I would still come back to see you."
Gil sighed, taking in the beautiful Angelfish before him. He knew she was telling the truth, and he probably wouldn't have been able to resist her either. He liked to believe he would, but if he was being totally honest, he would probably be out there looking for her too.
"We're safe here," Thena nearly whispered.
Gil let out a shuddering breath. He pressed a kiss to her hands. "No more swims for a little while, okay, Angelfish? Not even around the dock."
Thena nodded, fully understanding the restriction and the need for it. "What about you?"
He shook his head. "It'll only be even more suspicious if I take time off work now."
He had only taken the day immediately after the rescue off for himself. And even that was potentially suspicious. He just couldn't bring himself to leave Thena alone.
"I'll be fine here," she smiled at him, as if her life weren't hanging in the balance of something out of their control. "You go and work. I'll read the books Sersi brought."
Gil nodded, trying to take in a single steady breath for her sake. He ran his thumb over the back of her hand, "want anything when I go out tomorrow?"
Thena pulled his hand to her cheek and leaned into his touch. "Just...come home soon."
#Thenamesh Mermaid AU#the drama!#some angst#Thena sees Gil off to work and maybe stretches her fins a little#but when he's at work she's supposed to stay in the house#so he showed her how to fill the tub#he thought maybe she would like playing in the water#only to discover she naps in it with her tail hanging over the side#or she submerges her tail and leans on the edge of the tub with her arms#he's found her like that a few times#he doesn't exactly have to worry about her drowning in the bath after all#and he brings her back little things when he goes to the mainland#like rocks or pretty shells or beach glass that looks like her eyes#or his--as she started requesting#she's always delighted by whatever he brings her
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I am stressed :(
#IF YOU READ THESE TAGS DON'T SEND ME KOFI THINGS OR ANYTHING I JUST NEED TO VENT BEFORE I EXPLODE#(I do have stickers and stuff on redbubble tho)#my PC's bsods/crashes are worse (1 every week or so and sometimes 2 a day I've had 2 in the past 3 hours)#and I'm pretty sure the root issue is the RAM is bad#which means it has been this whole time because I no longer turn my PC off at the end of the day like I did before ~mid 2022#and I don't have $300 to buy new RAM#and idk if I can get a replacement 3 years after purchase#and even if I do I will have to open it up and pull the RAM out and have no PC for probably a few weeks#and having just my phone will absolutely fuck with me like it did when I first moved in this house#and I need 2 usb sticks to properly diagnose and possibly need to repair some corrupt windows files#which I haven't done before#And meanwhile my fucked up premolar is falling out of my jawbone and is loose and I keep bumping it and it doesn't hurt as much as it shoul#and I am near to an abscess at any given time because of it and I need to get more shots because I don't want to go#without updated vaccinations but also having a tooth removed and one or two more cavities filled is very expensive#and I don't have any income so I have $4.80 to my name#and I need to work from home because of anxiety and I can't do that while my PC is having issues#I got a bsod earlier and got in Minecraft to play a little and got a second BSOD after just 2 hours#they're RAM related (memory_management and faulty_hardware_corrupted_page#but I am worried about the side effects of this many#I can't find any suitable work anyway and I need a new photo ID and those are $50 and my weekly income from studies/surveys/etc is about#about that and I am already living on about $30 of food a week (frozen pizzas and party pies and stuff + liquid breakfasts so I get some#minerals and vitamins) and I would rather scrape by then sign up for social security because of the horrible draconian shit they put people#though just to keep a payment that is 1/4th minimum wage and not liveable in the slightest#(THE PIZZAS GIVE ME FAT PROTEIN CARBS FIBRE AND A LOT OF KJ they are efficient)#(I would love to cook)#(I budgeted out meal prepping and it came out to costing twice as much for the same food if I bought the cheapest ingredients)#( and also same amount of food I eat once a day (1/2 pizza or equiv ~300g/3000kj/700cal) and use chocolate to carry me through the middle)#(the chocolate also keeps me focused and my mood up)#every single BSOD massively spikes my anxiety and it locks me up and I just fret for a while and I am cautious about drawing because it#can happen at any time and I don't want to lose things I've worked hard on
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tempted to make some ramen but. do i have the energy for that
#idk#I'm just munching on salami while i ponder#I've been eating better these past couple days!! so that's good!!!#i found a good new okay-food#not quite safe food but an okay food for like. most days#it's just egg noodles plus this like. prepackaged dinner thing that's just beef chunks in gravy#but it's pretty good like i think i could probably just eat the gravy and noodles and that'd be a good meal on its own#i couldn't find the fucking gravy when i went to the store last time so i can't just get myself a massive jar of gravy and a bag of noodles#and be set for a week or so#i have so much pasta in my house#i have four whole boxes of cavatappi bc plain cavatappi with garlic salt is my main safe food#specifically cavatappi bc it's like macaroni except the noodles have ridges so any sauce doesn't instantly fall off#idk that's like. My Noodle. that's the one i always get#we've got two boxes of spaghetti#two boxes of lasagna that we still haven't used for anything#a bag of egg noodles#and then four boxes of rice which isn't pasta but it's in the same ballpark#oh and then also like 20 packages of cheap ramen and then one box of Good Ramen Noodles#we've just got a lotta carbs#which i mean. to be fair. they last a long time. they're filling. they go with pretty much anything.#pasta my beloved#i love exiting the tag menu and realizing the ramble i just went on had barely anything to do with the original post#forgot that i was gonna make ramen#... forgot that i was holding this bag of salami.
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drew the most delightful fat anthro tiger because i had the idea to do a tiger pops themed design just to fumble around for a few hours and give up because i don't know how to deal with both the color mixing of the tiger pop and the tiger stripes. sucks but i can always come back to it later i guess. bigger issue is now i have to decide if i want to leave my beautiful lines for it or if i should just figure out another theme
#ermmm. shapeshifter. they just really like [insert whatever here]. also the city is an#interdimensional hub#maybe i'll work on other designs#unintentionally focused myself on a different universe than sacrifices and i've been enjoying it. it's filled with shapeshifters and#it means i can stick a bunch of guys of whatever design i want (funny cat. beautiful fat butches. body horror. horses. normal cats) togethe#and go crazy without having to think of world logistics about it#i can explain literally any design by saying#queued rambles#<- realized i almost forgot that#AND it ties back to sacrifices by virtue of felix and reboot#tbh the whole thing started when my friend who was there for the story that started felix's conception back in 2018 was talking about his#multidimensional train station owner who freaking hates felix. which i LOVE i freaking love that character but the whole thing didn't mesh#with a story that was purely mine versus the shared lore we used to have#so voila. working on my own interdimensional hub now#outside of AF and learning to ride a bike of course#i've started to figure out how to balance on the bike for a little bit but i can't do it long enough to even start pedaling though#i might just get training wheels because who cares. work smarter not harder and i'm just doing this for fun#um. though i do kind of want to get good enough to ride to my friend's house which is a couple roads away. 15 minute ride maybe#pretty big maybe though. i gotta figure out the logistics and all#anyways#extra ramble-y post since it's been a while since one of those i think
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Good evening I have just realised that my best friend is dating someone who is basically me but in male form
#no because like. this man is 6’3. brown hair. AND. this is the craziest part. his name is basically the masculine version of my name#i mean it IS the masculine version of my name. you masculinise ‘ellen’ and you get….. well fill in the blank#this man is neurodivergent as all fuck#he reads. he codes. he eats the same thing every night. he has a boring job no one understands. he’s into d&d; sci-fi and fantasy#he doesn’t respond to messages but when he does; he sends essays. doesn’t like seeing people#and the absolute kicker is HE TALKS LIKE ME AND I CAN’T FUCKING HANDLE IIIIT#his style of speech is genuinely the exact same accidentally pretentious shit that comes out of my mouth#he has a big vocabulary and he just uses it without thinking. LIKE ME#HE’S ONE OF ME#why would she do this. where did she even find this man. is she trying to say she’s attracted to me??#listen. physically it’s a yes. would. and obviously i adore her AS A FRIEND#but i couldn’t. i just couldn’t. i know she’s batshit insane in a relationship and i’m waiting for her to drop the other shoe on this guy#plus this isn’t even a question because i’m pretty sure she doesn’t like girls#i also just physically could not. ultimately. i mean i could if i had to to save the world or something#but i’ve known this person for 18 years. it’d feel wrong in a bad way#i think what’s happened is we’ve actually just become house and wilson. so#personal
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